New

It's all about "where do I begin"? Do I go all the way back to August and try and catch you up? Ugh. Double Ugh. For those of you that are close to me I think you know perfectly well that I would rather eat nails coated in battery acid before I would like to recoup the past few months. So what do you say we just start here, now, today? Here now today, as told through some photos from the last few weeks? The new backyard. With woods and trees and stumps and stuff for little boys to climb.

And new walls.

For little boys to draw and color on.

They did have permission...I promise...even though Cooper looks amazingly guilty...he is not.

New bedrooms.

With new doors.

For little boys to slide notes under.

And try and smash each other's fingers.

And to hang "keep out" signs on.

And best of all.

Lots and lots and lots of space to decorate.

We started off with Halloween and those lovely candy corn lights...

Stay tuned. Thank you for your patience. And to my close friends and family...thank you for your amazing love and support. I am digging out from the rubble. I am cautiously taking those few first steps, trying to find my footing. There are not words for the gratitude I have for all of you. I truly owe you my life.

Yes yes,

Yes, I understand. I will wait while you get up off the floor. You back and situated? My, I hope you didn't spill your coffee. Or worse yet, your wine. And it being my fault n'all. Okay. So here is my goal. I will post an actual real live honest to goodness post by the end of the weekend. I know I know. It's a lofty goal. But I'm feeling up to the challenge. See I figure if I put it out there, I'll have to keep my word. Kind of like telling the world around you you're gonna quit smoking instead of just "telling yourself". It's all about accountability. I'm gonna go do some calisthenics now...work on my breathing...stretch.

Pittsburgh

Thank you, thank you, thank you Grammy K and Pop Pop.

Thank you for the weekend.

Thank you for the memories.

Thank you for the baseball.

Thank you for the zoo.

Thank you for the Uno.

Thank you for the hotel.

Thank you for the Kettle Corn.

Thank you for the Cotton Candy.

Thank you for the Lollipops.

Thank you for the Sting Rays.

Thank you for the Bumper Cars.

Thank you for the Race Cars.

Thank you for your time.

Thank you for your love.

Thank you for driving...the VW, the bumper car, the race car.

Thank you for coming in first place.

Thank you for the moments, that will become the memories, that will shape our lives.

A Kiss

As I am tucking Duncan in and kissing him goodnight...

"Mom, a kiss can have amazing possibilities."

Oh my dear sweet Duncan...yes, I believe you are correct.

Silver, Smiles and Moms

Say what you want...silver shoes just rock.

You know what else rocks? Moms. Moms in silver shoes. Me and my mom in silver shoes. Me and my mom. In our silver shoes. At my brother's birthday party. Smiling. Laughing. That's what rocks.

Color

Reminder

Adopt the pace of nature: her secret is patience.

-Ralph Waldo Emmerson

Smile

Get away.

Put your feet in the water.

Slow down.

Take a deep breath.

Focus on what is good.

Keep calm.

Carry on.

Liberate

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light not our darkness that frightens us.

We ask ourselves 'who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be? Your are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.

It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.

As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

Marianne Williamson From her book: Return To Love

Summer

Summer = fireworks Little boys + snappers = Duncan airborne Are you familiar with the little fireworks that you throw to the ground and they snap? My boys LOVE them...we go through hundreds of them.

Sunny

It seems only fitting to now blog about my other boy... This boy who looks so grown up and serious. So handsome. So amazing. This child who is in that wonderfully beautiful stage between little boy and little big boy... This child who gives his love so abundantly.

Let me share.

This is Duncan with blue blankey. These pictures are taken within weeks of each other. This is how Duncan holds blue blankey...with the embroidered rocking horse between his fingers and his thumb in his mouth. This is the ONLY time you will every see Duncan suck his thumb.

The top photo is the little big boy...the bottom photo is little boy...

Tonight I was holding Duncan who was holding blue blankey and as most of you know I call him Sunshine or "Sunny" for short...

Me: Oh Sunny, I love you sooo much.

Duncan: Oh Mommy, I love you too.

Me: Will you always be my Sunny?

Duncan: Mommy, I promise I will always bring light into your life...

Do you have any idea how drop dead incredible it was to hear that?

Does he know?

Cooper very much likes his mom and dad to come to school with him, to come to morning meeting, to attend his field trips, to be a "driver" etc. So this past Friday I joined Cooper on a field trip to the creek to hunt for fossils. I took my camera because, well, I'm ME...and after taking portraits of every child in Cooper's class, I turned the camera to him. He is so used to this I don't even think he notices which I am so thankful for. I loved coming home and downloading all the photographs. The photos of all the other children were so much fun, something different. (I ordered prints for all the parents and just picked them up at Target.) As I looked through them and sorted, I found myself gravitating toward photos where he wasn't looking at the camera like the one above. Then I looked back through ALL my photos and realized that this shot looking down on him (and those of Duncan too) are some of my favorites... I look at this and think... Does he know how much I love him? Does he know how I worry about his separation anxiety and wonder if it will fade in time? Does he know that in a strange way I cling to his separation anxiety because it means he still needs me? Does he know that I see so much of myself in him? Does he know that when he gets upset because things aren't perfect I understand deep down in my soul? Does he know that I love when he holds my hand? Does he know that I love when he says to me "a mommy's job is never done" because I realize that on a six year old level he "gets" what I do for him? Does he know that I understand when he pretends not to need me but really does? Does he know that I love and hate how fiercely independent he is about his wardrobe? Does he know that I love how he looks forward to reading to me at night? Does he know how much I love his freckles? Does he know how badly I want everything wonderful and amazing in this world for him? Does he know how much I love that we count at night and tuck each other's kisses away to keep us safe in the night? Does he know how much I look forward to the planet that he will pick? I love you all the way to _______ and back? Does he know how much I love him? Does he know?

Dreams

"We grow great by dreams. All big men are dreamers. They see things in the soft haze of a spring day or in the red fire of a long winter's evening. Some of us let these great dreams die, but others nourish and protect them; nurse them through bad days till they bring them to the sunshine and light which comes always to those who sincerely hope that their dreams will come true." ~ Woodrow Wilson

Those times when you love being wrong

My sister always said he looked like me... And I'm not saying I wasn't always hopeful... But I'll admit to a bit of skepticism. However, Would you check out those eyes?! I'm thinking maybe...just maybe...she was on to something.